I Love this!

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2ESNzM/www.ted.com/talks/courtney_martin_reinventing_feminism.html

Pilgrimage

This weekend we take a pilgrimage.  My husband, Jane, and I head up to Seneca Falls to visit the site of the first Women’s Rights Convention in 1848, along with Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony’s homes and a few other sites.  I am very excited and we have some books out of the library to brush Jane up on terms like abolitionism, suffrage, property rights, Quakers etc.  (I have to say that I was a proud mother when she recognized a picture of Angelina Grimke in a library book.)

I was raised as an educational/historical vacationer and it is always intriguing to walk in the lives and homes of our predecessors.  It seems to fill you with the spirits of the people who were there when you can walk in a space that was theirs.  As much as I have enjoyed various battle fields and historical citys/villages/farms, I am really looking forward to experiencing a cause so personal and people whose lives I know so well.

Great Article About the Gendering of Kid's Clothing

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/When-Did-Girls-Start-Wearing-Pink.html?c=y&page=1

Mothering

Parenting is a really difficult thing for any parent.  That said, I think there are a few reasons that mothering is especially difficult.

There is so much extra expectation and judgment placed on mothers.  I was thinking about this first when someone mentioned to me that when people see a single mom they often assume she is stuck in that situation unwillingly but if they see a single dad he is viewed as making a positive choice.

I often hear all or most moms I encounter dismayed at how they aren’t living up to another mom they know, or some imaginary ideal they have.  Why is it that we expect so much, or so much more, out of mothers?  I have no answer for this, but I do want to reassure myself and all my fellow moms – if your kids are alive and well, if you are doing the best you can…then you are a great mom.

Moms – it’s ok if your kid watched an extra television program today, if they only at one vegetable at dinner, if you didn’t have the exact right answer to their question, if you ran out of patience, if you didn’t make organic baby food or if you used disposable diapers.  Trust me - your kid is doing great.

Genetics and Parenthood

I've come to realize that it will be a couple weeks yet until I can start original blog posts again, so in the meantime I thought I would post the only thing I have been writing --papers.  These in general relate to the blog-topic, so they'll have to do for now.

Genetics and Parenthood

 

            Many consider testing for genetic conditions to be the right and humane thing for medical professionals and parents to do in the consideration of procreation.  The possibility and avoidance of serious physical pain and degenerative illness should be a serious consideration for parents; however, the testing and prevention of many genetic disorders that do not cause physical suffering is unethical and their harm is primarily a societal construction.

            The question of determining genetics in parenthood comes from the noble desire to alleviate suffering.  Medical professionals, future parents and others likely have a future child’s best interests in mind when attempting to provide them with the healthiest life possible.  Since, according to McDougal, one of the primary virtues of parenthood is giving your child the best ability to flourish in life and to support their future-agency (McDougal 184-186) one can assume that this includes a duty to provide them with the best possible health.

            Although it is easy to say that parents should provide children with the best possible health there are other facets to consider when discussing genetic testing.  For example, parents may have a duty to provide future children with best possible health but to what extent?  If a parent has a known family history of a genetic disorder then they bear more responsibility in protecting a future child from it than a parent who does not know of any potential problems.  Expecting parents to avoid known harm is reasonable while expecting parents to test for any unknown problems is unreasonable as it would place undue financial and physical burdens on them in many ways.

Another, perhaps more important, issue to consider is what constitutes a condition worthy of protecting a child from.  While many conditions involve serious physical pain and degenerative disorders, others primarily involve differences in existence from what society has deemed ideal.  Throughout life all children will likely experience some limiting conditions and some physical pain which society has deemed acceptable.  For example, shorter or less athletic children are likely to feel somewhat limited in their life because our society values tallness and athleticism, but that is a limitation that parents have accepted as reasonable.  However, genetic conditions which are likely to have a child experiencing physical pain on a daily basis (which for the purposes of the essay will be known as ‘unreasonable pain’) may be worth avoiding by preventing the life or conception of that child. This is because, while all humans experience some limitation and pain throughout their lives it is not necessarily ethical to allow someone to live a completely diminished existence by the experience of daily pain when, with a parents known testing results of their own genetics, the conception of the child could have been prevented.

            One problem with testing for genetic problems is that it often lacks the consideration and definition of unreasonable pain.  Many conditions that do not cause unreasonable pain are tested for and prevented because of their supposed harm to the child’s future.  An example of this supposed harm for the future is argued by McDougal when she presents the situation of two women who sought to have a child who would potentially be deaf.  McDougal argues that this is not the choice of a virtuous parent who would seek for their child’s best health and future-agency (McDougal 187-190).  However, this future child would not experience unreasonable pain in their life and would merely live differently than society felt was ideal.  Many other conditions such as Autism, blindness, deafness, Downs Syndrome etc. are considered to be reasons worthy of preventing children, but if our society did not consider those traits to be more problematic than acceptable limitations there would be no reason that those affected could not live, as everyone else, with some limitations.  “The definitions of terms such as ‘health,’ ‘normality,’ and ‘disability’ are not clear, objective and universal across time and place” (Asch 1650), rather they are constraints that have been constructed by society.

            What is at work is in many ways more a fear of the different than a desire for best health.  Society has many genetic configurations which it accepts and adjusts for that may be seen by some as disadvantages.  In addition to the previously mentioned shortness and lack of athleticism one could also consider vision impairment, baldness, fatness, and even race or gender to be conditions society believes less than ideal at times.

If public health frowns on efforts to select for or against girls or boys and would oppose future efforts to select for or against those who would have a particular sexual orientation, but promotes people’s efforts to avoid having children who would have disabilities, it is because medicine and public health view disability as extremely different from and worse than these other forms of human variation. (Asch 1650)

Thus, the primary question should not be framed around what society thinks is less than ideal health but around the issue of unreasonable pain.  Just as it would be ridiculous for medical professionals to tell an African American woman not to procreate because her future child would likely face more serious disadvantages than a Caucasian child (Asch 1655), it is also unreasonable for society to attempt to weed out those that experience limitations beyond what some medical professionals think is right. 

While it is in many ways a wise consideration for parents and medical professionals to be concerned about bringing into existence a child who would live life experiencing unreasonable pain, it is not a reason to prevent all genetic conditions.  Instead of preventing the birth of humans with different limitations than the average person, society should work to adapt around those limitations as they have with so many others.

Honesty

I am a big believer in being as open and honest as possible with kids.  I was recently watching the television show, ‘Parenthood’ and one set of parents was explaining death to their daughter.  The show implied that they did not believe in Heaven and had agreed not to tell their daughter about it, but in the clutch the mom caved in and used it as a way to make her daughter feel better about death.

Why are parents willing to do this?  Are you really willing to lie to your children just to temporarily make them feel better?  And why box yourself in to something you don’t even believe in?  Where is the shame in telling your kids that you don’t know, or that some people believe in that but you don’t.  It seems like less damage in the long run.

Compassion and Emotional Responsibilities

We often tell girls to be very compassionate towards others, continually asking them to constantly take others feelings into account, put others wants and needs before themselves and sacrifice themselves for others.  While I think these are good and important traits to have, and we should be instilling them in boys as well, I can’t help but wonder about the effect this has on the way women carry emotional responsibility later in life.  Women so often take on everyone’s problems on their shoulders, feeling the need to always care for everyone else first.  Are these correlated, should we be concerned to see this in our children?  Perhaps they can balance being caring, but not responsible for other’s emotions or problems?

Guess Who - Children and Gender Construction

What a great clip for kids about being whatever you want!

Consumerism

Today we took Jane for a haircut.  We have been going to this kid’s salon for about four years now.  I like it a lot because the stylists are used to kids and are really patient with them.  This particular salon also offers birthday parties where they give the kids ‘up-dos’ (complete with glitter hairspray) and manicures.  (YIKES!)  We ran out the door just as they were rolling out a red carpet (literally) for what, I assume, was some sort of fashion show.  What are we training these kids (insert girls here if you want) into???  This useless consumerism is just a little much for me.  I find it bothersome that as a culture we actually encourage the preening and prancing that comes with this sort of ordeal.  What life lessons are we gaining from this experience – preparing for a role on the ‘Real Housewives’ series?

To me, this seems like an outright push towards consumerism.  I admit that consumerism is something we have struggled with.  Jane is a big fan of Spongebob, but we have recently gone on an all-PBS diet due to too many ads for the ‘Touch and Brush’, ‘Aqua Globes’ and other brilliant products.  It seems that there is no limit to what a 6-year-old can want with just a small amount of prodding from an ad.  Avoiding channels with ads have certainly decreased the amount of items she asks for, but the influence of consumerism is still there even if you take away the commercials. 

How do you get away from the attitude that we always want more, want better, want newer?  The ‘Walmart culture’ that asks why you would fix something when you can buy a new one for the same price.  Let me know if you figure this one out.

A Work of Artifice - Marge Piercy

The bonsai tree

in the attractive pot

could have grown eighty feet tall

on the side of a mountain

till split by lightning.

But a gardener

carefully pruned it.

It is nine inches high.

Every day as he

whittles back the branches

the gardener croons,

it is your nature

to be small and cozy,

domestic and weak;

how lucky, little tree,

to have a pot to grow in.

With living creatures

one must begin very early

to dwarf their growth:

the bound feet,

the crippled brain,

the hair in curlers,

the hands you

love to touch.

Body Image

Ugh.  This is one that probably everyone deals with. 

Body image is something I have always struggled with.  Having a child (especially a daughter) is difficult in this respect, because I am trying my best not to pass these problems on to her.

I realized a few years ago that the way I feel about my body now, as a size 14, is probably the same or even better than the way that I felt about it when I was a size 6.  Why is that?  If I was smaller before then, according to our cultural standards, I should have been happier, right?  I realized what many of you probably have.  My body image is not actually tied in any way to my body.  I am told that no matter what - I must feel dissatisfied with who I am – and so I am.

In reality, although I am ‘overweight’, I am probably in better physical shape than I have been most of my life.  I try to eat more ‘whole foods’ and less fast food, many health problems have become managed and my asthma is to the point where I can actually walk a several flights of stairs without being winded.  Despite knowing this, weight is still something that affects so many decisions that I make.  Where I sit, what I say, who I talk to, how I act.  Why do we let this permeate so much of our existence?

Despite making a conscious effort, I know that I am not always good about the way I speak around my daughter.  We try to never talk about people dieting or losing weight and instead talk about making healthy choices in our food and activities.  But I know she will pick this crap up.  We are so saturated in body image that even if you avoid traditional mediums you can never fully avoid the reach of advertising and peers.

An amazing article I read about this is, “The Body Politic”, by Abra Fortune Chernik.  In it she talks about a health store clerk telling her she was the healthiest person of the week because of her low BMI, all the while she was close to dying because of anorexia.

Some statistics about weight and eating disorders: (Statistics from the chapter entitled,“Hunger”,from The Beauty Myth, by Naomi Wolf)

-          Half the women on college campuses suffer at some point from an eating disorder.

-          Babies have shown stunted growth by mothers underfeeding them

o   In the U.S., 99% of boys are breastfed, but only 66% of girls and girls were given 50% less time to feed.

-          Studies show that women may live longer and be generally healthier if they weighed 10-15% more than life insurance figures suggest and they refrain from dieting

-          When poor health is correlated to fatness in women, it is due to chronic dieting and the stress of self-hatred, not their weight.

-          A study by J. Polivy and C.P. Herman found that prolonged and periodic caloric restriction resulted in a distinctive personality whose traits are – “passivity, anxiety and emotionality’

Instead of women focusing on doing what is healthiest in both food and exercise, we have decided to focus on the unhealthy obsession of fitting into a certain size standard.  How do we keep from passing this on to the next generation?

The Princess and the Frog

A while ago Jane and I went to the dollar theater with some friends to see Disney’s, The Princess and the Frog. A good time was had by all, but after thinking for a short bit about the film this is my initial assessment.

Pros:

-It’s about time we have a black Disney heroine.

-I am happy to say that both parents are alive at the beginning of the film. Partway through the dad does die, but it is at least a change from the typical dead mother.

-Tiana is a strong female role model with a good work ethic and sense of adventure, she has a dream of owning her own restaurant and saves every penny she makes as a waitress to make it happen.

-The New Orleans culture is fun and a good twist on the usual Disney music

Cons:

-Since it was first announced I have questioned the decision to adapt an existing fairytale, plugging in an African American heroine.   Why not make your first black princess be from a real African story?

-Recycled material. Disney movies are all starting to seem eerily similar. The villain was basically Jafar, the sidekick was the guy from Enchanted, the alligator was Little John. They even did the Aladdin twirl and smile and the “do you trust me?”.

-The main guy was useless. Ladies - don’t expect that you can take a lazy, good for nothing, womanizing “prince” and all of a sudden change him into a hardworking, caring, good citizen simply by loving him, it won’t work.

- It seems like they either glossed over the race issues too much or not enough. To my memory all the rich or powerful people were white, “Big Daddy” the real estate agents etc. the African Americans were the laborers, food service and voodoo practitioners.  Either make every class of people mixed or address the fact that they aren’t – it seems to leave kids with the assumption that this is just the way things work.

- This story starts off strong - wish on a star but follow it up with hard work too if you want your dreams to come true.  Excellent advice.  Tiana works really hard taking extra shifts as a waitress, saving every cent and sacrificing time with friends in order to make her dreams of owning a restaurant to come true. Half way through the movie the ‘voodoo woman’ tells her that she is missing the point and achieving your dreams is not about working harder, Tiana WANTS a restaurant, but what she really NEEDS is love. (Mind you, the love she has for her deceased father or her mother won’t suffice – only ‘true love’).

In the end she stays a frog and seems content to live happily with her “frog prince”.  Then, in a gigantic twist (  ;)  ) when they get married (as frogs) and she turns back into a person (did you catch that – only marriage can turn you back into a person), he turns back into a prince and he finally can buy her dream restaurant for her. See girls, you don’t need to work hard for your dreams, just find a guy to bankroll them for you.

-Here is my final complaint – why are such a high percentage of movies for children focused around marriage and falling in love? This is something that should not even be on a five-year-old’s radar screen and yet in a huge amount of movies that is the main thing we are selling.

My advice - watch Mulan. Still the best Disney princess movie yet.

Love Your Tree

I love this clip from America the Beautiful.  It is a great message for all women.

Homage to My Hips – Lucille Clifton

these hips are big hips

they need space to

move around in.

they don’t fit into little

pretty places.  these hips

are free hips.

they don’t like to be held back.

these hips have never been enslaved,

they go where they want to go

they do what they want to do.

these hips are mighty hips.

these hips are magic hips.

i have known them

to put a spell on a man and

spin him like a top!

I love the way this writer talks about how her hips cannot be held back, how they need space and can't fit into little pretty places.  This is a woman who is comfortable with making room for herself in the world.

Dealing with Dragons

I was reading the current issue of Ms. magazine last month and was really excited about the cover article on ‘Click Lit’.  It surveyed several books that are feminist in nature, most were for tweens and teens.  This is something I constantly am looking for, there is so much great literature out there but often it is problematic from a feminist perspective.  Most of the books in the article are a little old for my daughter, but I did run out and buy, "Dealing with Dragons" , by Patricia C. Wrede.  It is excellent!  The story is so compelling and the main character has really great qualities.  One of my favorite parts explained the roles of Kings and Queens in the dragon’s world and how they were different roles that either gender could fill rather than tied to a specific gender. 

The only thing I found difficult is how the book highlighted the fact that this princess was different.  I appreciate what the author is trying to do and that most people are so steeped in the princess culture that this is a necessary occurrence.  However, I would like to see more literature that presents people (including princesses) behaving any way they would like.

I believe this is a predicament that ties closely to Dr. Sandra Lipsitz Bem’s essay, “Feminist Child-Rearing” (sorry, I couldn’t find a link for it).  In this writing she explains the way that she raised her children gender-neutrally so literature was difficult to find.  As a result of that she didn’t give them traditional feminist children’s literature like, “William’s Doll’, because it would highlight the fact for her children that some people thought it inappropriate for William to have a doll.

While I think it is good for Jane to understand that those views are out there and learn how to address them, I also don’t want her to feel that she and any one like her has to fight a constant battle to be who they are.

Grey Hair

I recently saw one sister pull a grey hair out of another sister’s head and I started thinking about it.  What is it we are so afraid of?  That someone will realize that we aren’t 16?  (I think the cat is already out of the bag!).  Personally, I like the way my hair looks with a few silver hairs sprinkled in and am perfectly fine with getting more.  (I also acknowledge that, having had my daughter when I was young, I am glad for a reason to not be confused with the babysitter as often).  I also have my 30^th birthday peeking around the corner in a month or so and am ready and waiting. 

It just seems to me that we have gotten so we associate beauty and youth so closely to each other that we can’t see one without the other.  If someone looks older we necessarily see them as less beautiful.  I’m not really sure how we change this.  Until we do, my daughter will keep helping me get grey hair!

'Jane'

I’m surmising that I might do a fair amount of talking about my daughter here and to protect her privacy I’ve given her a pseudonym.  So, after much thought, the winner is Jane.  After one of my favorite people, Jane Addams, and that was almost her middle name.